'Certainty'

It does not exist. One can never fully be sure of anything and it is often that shear uncertainty that drives us forward and holds us back. It is a double-edged sword because you never know which side you will get but it will always strike.

‘Certainty’ can be just as scary, perhaps even scarier, than ‘Uncertainty. Because when one finds ‘certainty’ where does one go from there? Is there room to change your mind? to grow? to foster new and exciting ideas? Personally, I find this is ultimately determined by the person you are, or the person you wish to be. Simply because one aspect of your life is ‘certain’ (decided or determined) it does not mean that all over the sudden your entire life becomes consumed by it; it is not a virus.

I find the greater fear often lies in what is ‘uncertain’ and I base this observation purely on the fact that many people dislike what they cannot decide for themselves or what they cannot control. I find ‘uncertainty’ to be thrilling and enlightening. Sure, it can be intimidating and disorienting, but if everything in your life were decided for you (as it is for some people, for whatever reason (religious, self-imposed) and from whatever source (parental, governmental, societal)) where would innovation and creativity come to play a part? Growing up I believed I was destined to live a certain life, perhaps repeat the mistakes of my parents or siblings. Time and time again I was presented with opportunities to prove my theory correct and I never quite managed to repeat their stories.

I am observer by nature and for this reason I am able to determine what I like, what I dislike, what will make me miserable, and what will make me happy. As an observer, I am also able to see what the outcomes of my actions may be, mostly because I repeat the past (what I have known to be true for most my life) and apply it to outcomes of the actions I may or may not take. I may not believe in creating expectations but there are certainly expectations that have been embedded in me to have; this is purely based on nurture.

Expectations, whether embedded through nurture or created of your own will, are a result of seeking ‘certainty’, of wanting to be able to turn a situation where you might find yourself turned in every which way into a situation where if you know nothing else, you might just be able to determine the outcome, one does this by trying to designate a point of landing. While an end method is nice and comforting, it can often be bugged, especially when the point is designated without a path.

I designate points all the time, they shift and change and often mold into versions not at all similar to when they started. I do this because I know where I will be but my path is bugged. I like certainty but I thrive in an ‘uncertain’ atmosphere. I like having directions when making my first some where, but once I’ve made the trip once I will be able to tell others how to arrive at the same location: except I will do it by describing what they will see and telling them approximately how long it will take them to arrive at each turning point; not by telling them the names of the streets or the numbers on the buildings. My directions may be considered uncertain and the person receiving my directions will often be a bit skeptical (I’ve noted this by facial expressions I’ve received) but they often reach their landing point. I find it is not so much the method you use but the effectiveness of the method as such. People think differently, view the world differently, and therefore they process data and execute events in different ways. Just because something: a person, a view point, a method is different, it does not make it any more-or-less ‘uncertain’, because what one might find to show ‘uncertainty’ the person who is conducting the actions might just believe it to show how ‘certain’ they are of the way in which they are choosing to execute a certain task.

The point of this entry way not to discuss the difference between ‘certainty’ and ‘uncertainty’ but to discuss that fact that while we would like to think we are in control of most things in our lives, we are not. I hurt my knee and am unable to ride for two weeks (really it should be longer but I should be better in two) and so I cannot take part in any “high-impact” sports, which means I am bound for two weeks of only yoga. Now, while I am not pleased with this at all (I really like yoga but I also like riding and doing cardio), it has granted me the opportunity to observe the fact that something as small as an outer-knee-ligament could cause me to walk funny, feel pain, and ultimately have to take a break from sport. One never really stops to think how integral every body part is and how every part of ones body plays a part in ones ability to conduct everyday tasks.

Now, if you apply the general story behind the tiny ligament to the grandeur story of the life, it can be easily noted that little occurrences in ones life can have a much greater effect than one would think. My schedule for this week went from being ‘certain’: (as I have a schedule set up on Google calendar this can be easily noted) including everything from cardio/yoga to my horse-riding lesson to classes and lectures to extra events; to being a week where on Monday I could barely make it to the market without feeling pinches of pain in my outer-knee (of course I had just, what I realize now, heavily strained it from cardio and yoga, aside from that it was terribly cold out) and being uncertain of whether my knee was in worse shape than I had been told by Google it was, to developing a cold and finding out that my very ‘certain’ schedule would have to change for the next two weeks.

I found myself in days filled with ‘uncertainty’ and it was very discomforting. For being a person who believes she doesn’t like to be so fixated on a schedule, I have certainly become more attached to it. The truth is, that I need a schedule and it actually helps me perform better. And while my schedule has been forced to change for a couple of weeks, I will embrace the change and who knows, maybe when I’m back on the horse I won’t dare put any pressure on my knees (as I know I shouldn’t) and I will, from that day forward, always remember to hold my reins appropriately and to secure my stirrups at the appropriate length. Regardless, I rather take two weeks off and know I will be okay to ride again, then push my limits now and realize I pushed too far. I have to accomplish a jump by the end of next term, that’s the goal and the path has certainly been trickier than I thought. Life always has its little surprises and often they come at the times when you thought you needed them less.

BBC Radio just got my again. Lastest Youtube video:

The song is great. The video is a bit saddening. It is accurate though. Nothing in life is ever really certain. You can only enjoy what you have when you have it because you never know when you will be without it, or just how permanent the state may be.